Mom: Ooh! The Scarlet Pimpernel is on Netflix. Let’s watch it!
Me: Waaaaaait a second. What year did this come out in? *checks date* Ooooo, yeah, you’re not going to like this one.
Mom: But- but it’s the Scarlet Pimpernel!
Me: Yes. I know. That’s why I watched it in the first place and why I can tell you with great authority that it’s not a good adaptation.
Mom: But it’s the Pimpernel! What’s not to like?!
Me: I promise you, you will not enjoy how this actor plays him. Or any of the actors, really.
Mom: Pimpernel. *presses play*
Me: *leaves room*
20 minutes pass
Mom: No. No! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? YOU ARE NOT THE SCARLETT PIMPERNEL! WHO ARE YOU REALLY? INFIDEL! BLASPHEMER! OH SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST, DAMN MY EYES!*
Me: I told you it wasn’t good.
Mom: You should have stopped me! I made you carrot cake, and this is how you repay me?**
Me: Look, at least you got to see attractive men wearing riding coats and stockings, right?
Mom: Irrelevant! There will be a reckoning.
Me: Here, I found the 1934 version on YouTube. Chill.
Mom: I won’t forgive you this. AND WHY DID THEY CAST THAT COW AS MARGUERITE? SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, CLEVER WOMAN IN EUROPE AND THE BEST THE CASTING DIRECTOR COULD FIND WAS THIS?***
Me: I know, Mom. I know.
And then we watched the 1934 version on YouTube and ate carrot cake.
*Commentary embellished for dramatic purposes.
***But not here. This was pretty much copied verbatim.