Things I Learned in Second Grade

I think there was some math and stuff in here too, but who cares about that?

1. When distributing Valentines Day cards, make sure to give 2 to your crush: one with your name on it, and one from ‘a Secret Admirer.” If possible, try to have the two cards be from different packs.

(Being confronted by your baffled crush in the middle of your crowded classroom while the teacher is in the hall is one of those traumatizing experiences you never quite get over being humiliated by.)

2. The better behaved a student you are, the more likely your teacher will be to look the other way when you beat the shit out of the class bully who, by the way, has been kicking your ankles under the desks until your legs are permanently black and blue.

(They will also vehemently deny your involvement if the little bastard also happened to break another teachers’ leg and got away with it because his parents are filthy rich. Solidarity, yo.)

3. Sneaking a pack of gum into school to share with classmates is the fastest way to make friends.

4. Not having enough gum for all your classmates is the fastest way to make lifelong enemies.

5. The ability to understand and play various sports is less important than the ability to beat everyone to the top of the jungle gym.

6. Dad won’t notice you’re stealing lunch and gambling money from his wallet if you make sure to only take a few singles in the morning instead of going for the big bills.

7. Being able to manipulate parts of your body in unusual ways – flipping over your eye lids, wiggling your ears, showing off double jointed shoulders, etc. – can be exploited for lunch. The weirder the trick, the more delicious the payoff.

(Man, if I had a nickle for every time someone had given me their fries in return for showing them how I could bend my fingers back and wiggle my ears…well, I’d have a LOT of nickles.)



About Morgan Maria D'Isidoro

Morgan Maria D'Isidoro has lived in Baltimore, MD for most of her life, saving a handful of failed escape attempts. Given the murder rates, she'll probably die here too. Morgan is a writer of speculative fiction and poetry, a musician of dubious quality, cat aficionado, art history fangirl, kitchen sorceress, recovering pyromaniac, accomplished liar, and an all around person of questionable employability.
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