Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. We recommend moving to Libya. They seem to treat the dying very well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your significant other is really a werewolf. Haven’t you noticed how much they like that new Shakira song?
Aries (March 20 – April 19)
The stars advise you to share that sandwich with me. Seriously.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someday, the world will realize your genius and bestow upon you all the fame and adoration which you deserve. That day is not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Your quest for a meaningful relationship will once again be thwarted by your early onset balding. The stars advise you to start investing in Rogaine.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Dropping out of school and quitting your job to become a professional, full-time World of Warcraft player will not bring you the accolades and glory you seek. However, it WILL bring you a lifetime of Meals on Wheels donations and a listing on dontdatehimgirl.com.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The cosmos demands you bring it a shrubbery!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
HA! Your Twilight addiction has gotten the best of you. Instead of writing that essay question about Aristotle and his ‘forms,’ you wrote about the vampire wars of the south. The stars guarantee that your professor will not be amused.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
DON’T EAT THE MUFFINS!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The stars say you do NOT want to go to that Halloween party down the street. But if you do go, you should NOT tell those guys from one of the UMCP fraternities that your sign is Scorpio not matter how often they ask or how cute they are. But if you do, you should NOT drink the punch. But if you do, you should NOT go with your friends to that tattoo parlor behind the Krispy Kreme. But if you do, do NOT get in the chair. But if you do, you should avoid wearing a thong ever again, because if anyone ever sees that tattoo on your left butt cheek of the scorpion playing a banjo with Mickey Mouse ears on, you will never, EVER live it down.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your charming personality and dazzling wit will win the respect and friendship of many. Your constant mooching and free-loading at lunch will lose them.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You had the opportunity to take over the world this month, but you got distracted by Mafia Wars on Facebook.