Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Yes, your teachers are all conspiring against you. No, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are going to find a wonderful man, adopt 3 fabulous children from Third World countries, and live in wedded bliss for 20 years until you come home early one day to find him watching furry porno.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Heh heh heh.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Mercury is in retrograde and your kitchen appliances are planning a rebellion. Better put the ambulance on speed dial.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Hey, remember that girl from high school, the one who grew her nails too long and always wore pink? The one who insisted that you would be best friends forever? You remember her, the one who inspired you to start looking for exchange programs in Eastern Europe and Taiwan so she couldn’t call you every day? Well, she’s looking for you on Facebook. You might want to double check your privacy settings.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
The economy is in the toilet and you can’t get a job. You’ll have to resort to acting in furry porno to pay off those student loans.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This semester, you’re going to meet a beautiful, intelligent, single woman who wants nothing to do with you. Better luck next time, loser.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are going to drop out of all your classes mid semester and spend the rest of the year playing Maple Story in the cafeteria.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your liberal arts degree and the time you spent in Barnstormers will help you achieve great fame in furry porno.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re going to die in two weeks. Can I have your text books?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The stars foretell a promising career in politics, the food service industry, or midget pony husbandry.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Contrary to popular belief, the voices in your head are actually giving you good advice. You should reward them with a cookie. Oatmeal raisin is getting the most votes.